CANCER SUCKS…

I am a firm believer of “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” which I very much practice. But this week, I haven’t even had the strength to squeeze the lemons. Chemotherapy is tough, and the longer one has treatment, the more ware and tear on the body. Here I am, just shy of 3 consecutive years of it (with a 7 month break two years ago), and I can’t help but see the deterioration of my own body. It does not help that I am a diabetic either. I look at my hands that are no longer steady and on their leathery looking skin, I can count the mosquito bites from this summer. The scars/scabs are still there. My ankles are in constant pain (being overweight doesn’t help), my left knee has a torn meniscus and arthritis which the chemo exaggerates the pain from. My hips, shoulders, back, and chest all hurt too. I can no longer walk a far distance, and opt to use the motorized scooters with the baskets on the front when I go food shopping (they are kind of fun though). Forget the mall; that scares the crap out of me now, and speaking of crap, chemo has taken a huge toll on my digestive system, the bathroom is now my room of relief! And the latest, my teeth hurt.

Last Tuesday was my day for chemo. Here is what my typical day of chemo is now like: First, the night before and the morning of, I have to take steroids by mouth. Then, the day of Frank drives me into the city to arrive by 9:15, I check in at the concierge. Go to the phlebotomy lab to get my blood taken by finger stick. Go to the eighth floor to see Dr. S. where he examines me, I get dressed, we go into his office to discuss my health, check my finger stick results to make sure my CBC (check for white and red blood cell counts) are good, drug shortages, The Circle of Strength amongst other topics. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes I cry, other times we are in and out but as long as my blood counts are good, it's always to the 5^th floor for my IV infusion by 10:30 AM. The nurses on 5 are amazing. They are the most caring, warm, sensitive, loving people in the world. Can you imagine what they deal with all day? Yet, they are so happy to be helping cancer patients knowing they are making a difference. I often bring in something I baked or made for them just to say “thanks.”

Maria is my main nurse who takes care of me 95% of the time. When she is not there, one of the other nurses will step in. I really don’t care who does, they are all so sweet. So, because my veins are so shot and I cannot deal with having a port (a permanent IV line that is inserted into the chest, which they can access to give the IV and take blood from) Maria comes in, tells me to get settled in, and puts warm packets on my hands to get the veins to come to the surface, then she sends someone else in to get the needle in! It’s so funny, she doesn’t even try to stick me anymore, and I totally respect her for it, because I know it’s just that she really doesn’t want to hurt me.

OK, needle is put in by one of the lovely’s, and we start the saline to flush the IV line and my veins.  Next they take blood to run tests on my organs, and to get the CA-125 count. Then we start the pre meds. Let’s see now… there is the Decotron (steroid to help with nausea and allergic reactions), Pepcid and Aloxy for nausea,  Benedryl (help with allergic reactions and to sleep), Adovan (for nausea and sleep) and Emend which is a 3 day anti nausea drug. These all take about an hour to an hour and a half. Next… we have Carboplatin (chemo), which I am allergic to, so they give it to me in a desensitized state over 5 -6 hours. During this time my wonderful Frank, goes out to get us lunch from where ever I choose (he always asks me to choose what "I" want), and then sits with me the rest of the time. Next… Abraxene (chemo). Abraxene is in the Taxol family, which by the way, I had an allergic reaction to the Taxol 2 treatments ago. The Abraxene takes a little over an hour, then Frank and I pack up and he drives me home. This makes for a very long and tiring day for both of us. I usually get a bed  when we are there, so for me it is comfortable, but Frank gets to sit in a chair, and I make sure to get him a pillow so he can rest too. My Frank is my pillar of strength, he never ever lets me fall, and I thank G-d for him, every day.

I get chemo every 3 weeks. So the first week I feel the worst, the second week I feel better and by the third week, I feel pretty good. Then I go back and start all over again. During the first week, I usually am in bed with a lot of Adovan in my body. The steroids make me VERY jittery, so the Adovan settles me down so I can sleep. There is NO regular coffee during the first week! Also, I get a really bad metallic taste in my mouth from the chemo’s which makes all food and drinks taste horrible, so eating that week is a chore. Keep in mind I am a diabetic, so I have to eat, and as the steroids leave my system, my sugar levels drop at a moment’s notice, so I really have to eat, and everything that goes past my lips is disgusting to me. This is a pretty tough time for me, trying to balance everything out.

But this round…. This round is looking to be the worst one yet. I just can’t seem to feel good. I am trying so hard to focus on dinner with my college sisters on Friday night, then Thanksgiving, then brunch with some dear girlfriends (women I know from all different paths of my life, but they all know each other too!!! It’s so weird!) the following week, which is all really great stuff, but then I get the pangs of pain to bring me back to now.

BUT!!! I am here, right? I am able to write about it, so it’s all good. I always say and truly feel that for as long as the chemo is working, I will fight my ass off to beat the beast…. I will not let it win. Life is too worth living. I love my life. I love my kids, my husband, my family, my doggies, my friends, The Circle, meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends… all of it. I love it so much, I am not ready to leave this world dammit, I still have more life to live. So there!