After Sue was born, my mom couldn’t have any more children. Six and half years later, they adopted me as an infant. I am not sure of the specifics, but I know my mom was ill for most of my childhood. I feel it is very fair to say, that I never really knew her for who she really was. She was a fighter though. She survived Polio as a child, in her 30’s she had major heart failure, and needed two valves replaced in her heart. They were replaced with pig valves. I remember so clearly hearing my mom’s heart beat. It was so loud, like a thump-thump. At that time my mother was rushed to the closest hospital, but they weren’t equipped to operate on her heart like she needed. My dad was given a very tough decision to make, to take a HUGE chance to risk her life (he was told she may not make the trip over) by transferring her to NYU in the city where she would get the care she needed or to keep her where she was. He knew if he didn’t go for it, she wouldn’t have lived much longer. His decision to transfer her, gave my mom 20 plus years we thought she would never have. 
During those years, my mom developed diabetes’s and a thyroid problem, amongst some other illnesses. It was one medication after another. I remember vividly all of the various pill bottles with the white caps lined up on the shelf above the kitchen sink. Back then sugar levels were tested by urine samples, so the test strips were in the bathroom, the insulin in the fridge, and the syringes in a kitchen cabinet. I can very much relate to what she went through. With having cancer and being a diabetic there is a constant awareness of what medication do I need to take next, it is a whirl wind. Although, because of the medical advancements with diabetes, I have it much easier than she did. Also, back then medications weren’t as regulated and/or monitored as well as they are now, and all of the combined med’s she was on, changed her personality. At times, they could make her very tired and other times she could be manic. Some of that had to do with her thyroid condition until it was under control. She passed away one week to the day before my 21st birthday. I was up in Buffalo for the weekend visiting my housemates from college. The phone rang at about 7:00 on Saturday morning. Janine answered it. I was sleeping in Gayles room. As soon as she opened the door and said “Nance, it’s your dad” my stomach turned. He told me I needed to come home right away, mom was in the hospital, and she wasn’t doing well. I packed and was rushed to the airport, where I waited on standby to fly home. I got on the next flight out, but what was 30 minutes of waiting time, felt like 10 hours. Dad and Sue picked me up, and when we got into the car, my dad told me my mom had passed away late the night before. And, all I could say was “so, I am never going to see her again?”…
I do believe things happen for a reason though, because I had opted to leave college in Buffalo the semester before. I was living at home and was able to spend much more time with her then if I was still up at school. Times in my house could be crazy sometimes, but during those 5 months I was home, things seemed to be somewhat more settled. I am thankful that I came home, and was able to have that time with her. Because, even though I never really knew the real her, she was still my mom, and I loved her very much. Through all the years she drove me nuts (I am referring to my teenage years of course!), when she tried so hard to be a good mom to me, and I pulled away, through all of my confusion growing up with a mom who was in and out of the hospital, and wishing she was at home more. Through her pushing me to do my schoolwork, and me rebelling by barely doing enough to pass by, through the “sex” talk and the make-up instruction. Through learning how to put on panty hose, and how not to put on too much lipstick… all of it… She was my mom, and through all of her years being so ill, she still did her very best to be there for me. I feel guilty for pushing her away, just another thing for her to have had to be concerned about. I am so sorry mom. I love and miss you every day. I like to believe you and Sue are up in heaven in peace. I like to vision you two going shopping to Loehmann’s on Heaven Blvd., and having lunch in Bloomie’s down the block on Angel Road.
Where ever you are, I hope you know, you are remembered and loved, and I wish we had more time together. I love you. XOXOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment