Chemo Head!

Ahhhh, the forgetful and mindless “chemo head.” Only those who have truly experienced it know just how frustrating it is. After three years of on and off chemotherapy, I have given up on frustration, and simply accept it. Now, I can laugh at myself about it, but for a long time, it drove me crazy.

When I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer back in November of 2008, I decided to keep working. My job was important to me, my family, and the company I worked for. We started by bringing my office to me. My computer, just about everything on my desk and a filing cabinet, now were in our dining room. I did what I could to help the company from home, but it wasn’t the same as being in the office. There, I could hear the transactions happening, and knew what was coming to my desk before it got there. Always staying a step ahead was advantageous to my job. When I returned to working in the office, I had been given 2 chemo treatments by then. And it started to happen…

I had no idea what “chemo head” was or that it even existed. I was forgetting things I needed to do, and conversations that had taken place. It was so odd to me. I was always on target, and sharp as a tack. Of course I wasn’t perfect and made my share of mistakes, but what I was experiencing was completely foreign to me. I kept quiet about it, until the time I asked David (my boss) about a money situation with an account, and he gave me the oddest look. He said “Nanci, we just had this conversation 2 days ago, don’t you remember it?” I said “ummmm, no I don’t.” I thought he was kidding with me. Then he repeated what we had discussed, and the light bulb went on! I didn’t know what to say to him, I was truly embarrassed.  I knew then that my secret was out. I told him I didn’t know why I was so forgetful lately, but attributed it to all I was going through, which was a lot.

At my next visit to my oncologist I mentioned it to him saying that I think the stress from what I am going through must be getting to me, even though I wasn’t really feeling stressed. It was then, that I learned I am not alone, and it has a name: “chemo head.” Ohhhhhhh… I get it now! Once I understood what was going on, it angered me. What? I am not going through enough, now I have to add forgetful to my list of issues!??  Great. Just freakin’ great. I am not a happy camper.

When I was at home it didn’t bother me as much as it did when I was at work. I was being paid a generous salary because of my performance and the results I got at my job. I knew David was completely aware of it, although he was/is always a gentleman about it. He would never say anything derogatory to me directly about it, but would give me little friendly reminder’s with a note or some other reference. When I went into remission in April of 2009, my mind came back around, and I seemed to be back on track. With each month I physically and mentally became stronger. Wow! I had beaten cancer, and I can now think straight too!

When the cancer returned in January of 2010, I chose to resign from my job. There were many reasons behind my decision to leave, but mostly it was because I needed to take care of me. I didn’t want the stress of driving an hour to and from work every day, and have the job on my mind 24/7 like I had. I knew if I stayed on, I wouldn’t get the rest that my body and mind needed. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to David or the company to have me only “half” there. I helped David start the business about 10 years prior. We built it up to a great company, and I had no regrets, but it was time for me to say goodbye.

Because of the respect and love that I had (and still have) for David and Legacy, I stayed on until Gina (who came in and took over many of my responsibilities) knew the jobs inside and out. This took about 6-8 weeks, as there was so much for me to teach her, and she is only one person; there was so much for her take on. I gradually left there, but she always knew I was only a phone call away. I am so thankful she came on board. She is smart and savvy, and doesn’t take crap from anyone! Love that lady!

So here I am now, almost three years from my original diagnosis, and still fighting the fight. I am more forgetful now than I was. I have forgotten so much of my vocabulary, and it really shows in my writing. I keep the words to the basics, because I can’t remember the bigger words to impress you all! Lol..I forget so many conversations I have, appointments I have made (I now write everything down).

About 3 months ago, I forgot to take my “pre-meds” at home for my chemo treatment the next day (glad I wrote that, need to take them now for tomorrow!), and my doctor sent me home. NO PRE MEDS – NO CHEMO…  That really stank, because Frank had taken the day off from work to take me into the city, he couldn’t do it the next day too…  

But it worked out because Evan had the day off from his internship at KJOY, and he took me in to the city and stayed with me that day. He was great about it too. Another day that made his mom, so very proud of him. He sat by my side for 6 plus hours as I got my IV transfusion. He didn’t walk out when the nurse put the needle in my arm, he didn’t leave to go get lunch, we had it delivered, he drove with confidence (his first experience driving in the city) there and back, and made sure all day, that I was comfortable. That I will never “forget.” I love you Evan. xoxo