Please note: before I begin, I do not fault anyone for any of the following, and I never understood what my sister was dealing with until I was an adult.
Sue was born on September 21, 1955, a beautiful baby girl with dark hair and big green eyes. To our mom, her head was too big, and there must be something wrong. Then she felt Sue didn’t walk or talk soon enough. Then her grades weren’t high enough (Sue was a very good student). No matter what Sue did, it wasn’t right or good enough for our mom. Sue struggled her whole childhood trying to please a mother, who didn’t have the capability to accept her. When I say “capability” I believe our mom’s mind was altered in some way during the pregnancy. Something had to have happened, because I know my dad well enough to know, he would have only married a very loving woman. To this day I wonder if it was because our mother couldn’t have any more children after she gave birth to Sue, and she resented her for it. I don’t think I will ever know why things between them were the way they were. What I do know for sure, is that their relationship was a broken one from the start, and my sister paid a very big price for it. Again, I DO NOT fault our mom for what happened. I believe her behavior towards my sister was beyond her own understanding. 
Sue was 6 and a half when I came home, so I really don’t remember a whole lot from her early years. I remember her teenage years, including her Bat Mitzvah and Sweet 16. I remember her creativity her love for her friends and music. What I remember the most was the constant arguing between her and our mom. Every little thing turned into a fight. I won’t get into specifics as it is very personal, and not fair to either of them for me to share, but the fighting was bad. When I would tell a friend, they had such a hard time believing me, because when they saw my sister and mom together out of the house, all looked well. Like it has been said “you never know what goes on behind closed doors.” When I was brought home, my being there didn’t make things any easier for Sue. Our mother clearly favored me over Sue. My sister could bring home a report card full of A’s and mom would say “why aren’t these A plusses?” I could have taken a sh*t on the kitchen floor, and mom would say “what a beautiful color of brown.” Noooo, of course I didn’t poop on the floor, but that is the extreme of the difference in the way our mom treated us. I really didn’t understand it then, but now that I am a mom, my heart breaks for that little girl, who never did anything wrong and only wanted to be wholly loved by her mother. 
Finally, Sue had the opportunity to get away from the situation and go to college. Her first year she attended; American University. She wasn’t very happy there so she transferred and finished her undergraduate college years up at SUNY at Binghamton. She met “her” first crush Steve there, who also turned out to be her first heartbreak, as he never came around to feel the same way about her, as she did about him. This was a significant turning point in Sue’s life. This rejection was the straw that broke the camel’s back, and let those G-d damn demons into her mind, body and soul. She started to gain weight, and although she was never obese, she did fluff up a bit for her 5’3” petite body frame. When she reached a certain weight, the demons took over and for the rest of her life she battled with her weight. Not to keep it off, but to keep it on. Sue became Anorexic, and back at that time, Anorexia was an “eating” disorder, not a psychological issue. She was treated with food and heavy caloric drink aids to feed her underweight and malnutritioned body, when what she really needed was serious therapy to help her with her issues. Anorexia is about control and strength. She would be able to cook a meal for our family, or sit with a friend for lunch or whatever and watch everyone around her eat, and not take a morsel of food to her mouth. She was in control of her. Sue was diagnosed in later years as a “career anorexic,” meaning she would never get well or bounce back from it, and would be cursed with it for the rest of her life. By the time doctors really understood the illness and how to treat it, it was too late for Sue. The disease had taken over. It manifested itself when she was 19 years old, and Sue passed away from it when she was 39. I can’t imagine living with those demons the way she did for 20 years. Every day for her was struggle, of what she would allow herself to eat, what time to eat, to go food shopping for the perfect 2 oz. of fish, cantaloupe, feta cheese and grapefruit that she allowed herself to consume. Sue also had an addictive personality, she would go through boxes of sweet and low, then switch to bottles/cans of diet soda.
Her mind played tricks on her constantly; she would feel bloated and full after she ate two morsels of food. Her perception of herself in the mirror was completely altered, as if she was looking in a funhouse mirror. But what was really sad, was to see how this awful disease affected her relationships with her family and friends. It made her misconstrue so many things people said or did, it pushed people away. It would exaggerate things in her mind so what would have been a small misunderstanding, spun around her mind where it would take over the rational way of thinking. Sue was tough though, she enjoyed many summers of being a camp counselor. One summer she went out with the hottest guy at camp (that was a real rush for me, because my sis was with the hot guy), Scott.
Mom passed away in 1984, when Sue was 28 years old. This was a huge blow for her, and I believe was what tormented her to the point of hitting rock bottom. My sister’s weight fluctuated from thin to very thin for many years before she hit that low point, when she was rushed to the emergency room as her body just gave out. That time, she made it through, gained some weight and looked pretty good. But that was on the outside. On the inside she felt trapped and uncomfortable.
As I watched her struggle with this disease, I couldn’t deal with it. I know now that I didn’t have the understanding to see what she was dealing with; all I was able to see and know was how difficult she was making my life, and how much she drove me crazy with her nonsense and obsession about food.
Sue didn’t have much of a life when she turned 35. She had a friend or two, and a cat named Sam. She was living in Larchmont, in a small studio apartment that she very rarely left. I was getting married and asked her to be my Maid of Honor, she was my sister and deserved to be by my side as I stepped into the next phase of my life. She was wonderful. She made me a beautiful bridal shower, and went dress shopping with me. I will never forget the day we went to pick up my dress. There we were in the dressing room, she was helping me get into this big white dress, and I looked at her and said “I look forward to being able to do this for you someday” and we both cried. A moment of love to treasure. A moment of sadness knowing her disease would not allow anyone to get close enough to her for marriage.
My biggest regret:
When I became pregnant with Evan, I had to be very careful with my diabetes for a healthy pregnancy. Sue and I would talk on the phone, and every time we would end up fighting. When we would hang up, I would test my sugar level, and from the stress of the call, my levels were always high. For the sake of my baby, I had to cut off communications with her. It was a hard thing to do, and very hard for my dad to have to deal with, but my baby’s and my own health came first. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I felt so free. Removing this disease from “my” life was like a breath of fresh air, so what started out as stay away for only my pregnancy lasted through way after Evan was born. I wouldn’t even allow her to come to her nephew’s bris. She had no happiness in her life, and I couldn’t even see that, to give in to let her be there with us. Shame, shame on me for being so self centered and selfish. Sue passed away 13 days before Evan turned 1 year old. She never met her nephew, and I will never forgive myself for it. She loved him through pictures that my dad would share with her or stories he would tell her. She was forced by me to love him from a distance. Recently, I expressed my guilt to my dad, and he reminded me that I offered to bring Evan to their home for Sue to come and see him there. I do remember that, but I don’t feel any better for it. That f*cking disease took over me too. I couldn’t deal with seeing her so miserably thin, and the craziness it brought out of her.
Sues last 2 weeks of life were very sad. Her body slowly gave out. When my dad told me the severity of what was going on, I decided enough was enough, and I would go see her. She was in the hospital and was shocked that I came. I barely recognized her. She was so frail, her cheeks were sunken in, she had lost much of her hair, but those beautiful green eyes still gleamed. Evan’s 1st birthday party was scheduled for the following week, and we talked about her coming. I went to see her in that Westchester hospital almost every day. She was moved up to ICU as her body continued to decline. I brought one of our favorite books from when we were growing up to read to her. It was one of the Nancy Drew series. I would read aloud, and she would lay there with her eyes closed listening. On her last day, her heart had stopped during the night before, but they had revived her. She was close to the end as her 49 LB body was filling up with fluid while it was slowly shutting down. Her skin was “weeping” from all of the fluid (that means the fluid was coming out of the pores). As instructed, I put on latex medical gloves and held her hand as she passed away and left this world. I told her it was ok to go, and that mommy was waiting for her on the other side for her so they could be together in a peaceful and loving eternity….
My poor father who had already buried his first wife was now signing the death papers of his daughter. No parent should ever have to go through burying their child. The nurse came into the room, and explained that the only parts of Sue’s body that could be donated were her eyes, and she asked if we wanted to donate them. My dad left the decision to me, and I said no. They were her only gleam of life, and she deserved to have them with her where ever she may go….
Rest in peace my beautiful sister. I wish you had the opportunity for the healthier and happier life you deserved, and I wish I had the knowledge and understanding then that I do now for what you were going through. You would have met your nephew and been able to love him while you were holding him.
Oh Nanci, I wish I could give you a big hug now. I knew only a little bit of what had gone on.
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